Fat Tuesday, Red Beans and Destiny.

It always is so exciting to me when I rediscover a part of myself that has been lost in the shuffle. Oh New Orleans, ah.... The magical dreamland of my younger days. I knew it before I even arrived. What is it about that mystical place which makes my soul feel so at ease?

It could be the amazing food everywhere, the buildings all so wrought with stories of the past, the way alcohol is so weaved into life there, the remnants of gentile Southern life, or maybe the way my soul eases into a groove whenever she's on my mind.

Ah, New Orleans. I always imagined I would end up there, sooner or later. I have to admit, ever since the aftermath of Katrina, I have been scared. Tales of martial law, rampant crime and a lack of basic sanitation services turned my mouth sour whenever she crossed my mind. The first time I was back post-Katrina, I could barely stomach the heartache I knew was all encompassing. I didn't want to be a voyeur into the absolute misery all around.

I can't take that so much went wrong there and still does. I have worried intensely about my sister who lives there. I have agonized that the government seems to have forgotten the entire Gulf coast. I have wished I could be a part of the reconstruction, part of the healing.

A symbol for New Orleans has always been the comedy and tragedy masks- and I think it is a great representation of the people I have known there. Suffer more than most could take and yet, laugh, really laugh, louder. Really live and experience all extremes this life has to offer.

I contemplate my strange, at times consuming, fascination for New Orleans today while red beans simmer on the stove. The smell wafts out my french doors into the courtyard and distracts my neighbors. Louis Armstrong's song creates magic in the air. I have a giant cooler of hurricanes, a bottle of Bourbon and am expecting many laughs to come later in the evening. Maybe we can get there tonight, maybe if we try hard enough, we can have some of my fair lady here tonight- if only in passing.

New Orleans has been described as a beautiful woman, missing an eye and a leg, with a drinking problem, who will put you right at ease, pour you a drink and steal your wallet. Tonight, we celebrate the idealist version and in time, I will make my peace with the real one and there you will find me, in that sacred place where my soul feels so inspired.

There I will, one day, allow that itching in my soul to be soothed.