Who wants to be informed anyway?

The information age offers us many opportunities to cause ourselves extreme pain. I know some people who can empathize with this in their current situation.

How can distance and time heal our wounds- when distance is an irrelevant concept?

When all we have to do is look at what is out there to see what we never wanted to know or visualize?

It's hard.

At least most of us will never have it Jennifer Aniston rough, right?

:)

10 Years

I realized the other day, this year should equal my ten year high school reunion!!

Am I really that old? Wow!!

There were only about thirty people in my class, so I doubt we are having an actual reunion, but I did email a few classmates to ask!

:)

A hidden sadness-

I moved to Austin at the beginning of 1997.

In April of 1999, the boy I had dated since February of 1997 killed himself.

I really hate springtime.

Why? The odds we would still be together are little, but the pain of him being gone still haunts me.

His smile still haunts my dreams.

I wish I could have known more about life then, been more perceptive.

But, I wasn't and the pain and shock remains in my heart. Some nights, I wonder how I got this far. Some nights, the desire to go back and do more is all consuming.

I always wonder- why?

And the answer is always cold, dead silence.

Why no ex-scrapbooks?

I don't know- seems prudent, doesn't it? Pages and pages of happy smiling no longer a couple on various trips and weddings, seems awkward.

Maybe it needs it's own scrapbook? That could work- or just a box to shove it all away somewhere hidden?

The photos came off the wall as it ended, that seemed like an obvious first step, but I just never dealt with the albums because it means rearranging like three full photo albums and it also has an element of finality that I never thought I would actually have to accept.

I never wrote after the breakup because I prefer to shove feelings into a closet and try to forget about them. Upon reflection, I feel this may not be the best system and could create future problems. I also avoided putting myself out there- as it was and is an amicable split, I questioned, how do I have a right to feel? But truly, it doesn't matter what I am allowed to feel because hearts are bad at listening to what we dictate and generally do as they please anyway.

Writing = healing, and healing is essential and allows us to truly move on. I wish I had written more, I think I would be farther along now. What is broken can, and will, be put back together, sometimes in a superior way. I send this message out there and I hope my experience helps those who need friends right now.
:)

I don't know what I want.

Right now I think this is my main problem in life- and it applies to all aspects.

I don't know where I wanna go to graduate school- near, far? Masters, PhD? What about my family and friends- if I go too far away, will I ever see them? But, what about adventure? What about really experiencing the west coast or the south? What about love- when do I worry about fitting that in? Which brings me to my next topic:

I don't know what I want in a romantic relationship. I don't think I can really be open to a serious commitment at this point, but there is a guy who is sweet, really sweet who for some reason really likes me. What is wrong with me that I wouldn't want to have a caring and sensitive person as my man? I guess I feel like it is too soon to really move on, but why? Which brings me to my next topic:

I haven't cleaned out my scrapbooks yet- what do you do with a lifetime of memories? If we actually are friends, do I get to leave the pictures there? Obviously, I need to at least go extract any kissing type photos, but to do that I gotta stroll down memory lane and that may require a bottle of wine and the help of a girlfriend.

I think I will at least take that step this weekend. It's time, right?

Such BS!

You know, I just realized how much I filter myself on my blog- and I say I am done filtering!!!

From now on I will try to write about what is really on my mind because this is my place for expression and if people don't wanna hear it, then they should keep their noses out of my business!!!

That's all!

:)

Ah vacation...

There is something to be said for going to bed late, sleeping in, having nothing to do and accomplishing absolutely nothing for a few days every so often.

Ahhhh.....

very nice.

:)

Ya know-

As delightful as they may be, I just don't think I have time in my life to mess with men. Trouble, the lot of 'em! Too much trouble for my taste.

I can more than keep myself busy with my life and my needs- I can't see fitting time to cater to someone else. I like my free time free for anything I choose.

I have never really been able to imagine myself in a marriage. I have certainly dreamed about it at times, but a couple misplaced socks and someone's dirty underwear on the floor were always a quick snap back to reality! I barely like cleaning up after my self!

I don't like sharing my bed with anyone but my dogs. I don't like hearing sports on the tv. I don't like discovering a mess in the bathroom or kitchen not left by me.

But, I do like romance. And I can imagine passion, though I hardly recall it. I dream of dancing with someone who knows how to lead me around the room.
*sigh*
It's like the end of My Best Friend's Wedding... "there will be dancing"
;)

Let's go!

I had mentioned before that this semester wasn't too great for my body; in fact, I have never had this much fat as opposed to muscle on my body. I can actually see the fat on my arms, belly, legs, back... not a pretty sight! Not what a single girl wants to see when she looks in the mirror! I just didn't have the time to work out or be active, but after seeing what a sedentary lifestyle can do to my body I have resolved to step it up, way up.

It's odd because I don't eat very badly at all- in fact, I induldged much less than I normally do this semester! My normal chocolate supply remained dry all semester! I also ran the five mile Turkey Trot and the Trail of Lights 5k in Austin, but still here I am, flab city! I think what has been my biggest downfall would be the lack of muscle buiding activity and intense cardio- so here I go.

And to help stay on track and to join the rest of the gang, Cassandra has been nice enough to include me in her experiment!.

Thanks Cass!

New year, old reflections

Home finally- no more holiday travel please! Give me my dogs, my bed and the sweet, sweet pleasure of my home sweet home.

Last year really flew by! I feel like it was only yesterday I spent the New Year in Austin with my wonderful family and here I am a whole year later, but not feeling too much farther along in life.

I know life is fluid: a series of ebbs and flows which carry us along on our journey, but sometimes I feel like I am going in circles.

Which path to take in life is such a hard decision when they all can look so appealing for such different reasons. Some paths have the allure of the unknown; while others beckon at you, tugging your heartstrings to return back down a familiar path where you have spent happy times before. Excitement vs. familiarity. It's a gamble either way for sure.

I guess I don't yet know how to build a life where I get everything I want, but maybe that is the catch. Life is not a checklist or a mad-lib, but an adventure that gets written as we go along. In the end, we are the choices we make, the risks we take and the people we love along the way.

I guess I just better get out there in the world, there are new chapters yet to be written! Perhaps the best is yet to come!