Out there

Well I did it- foolishly, no doubt, but I put myself 'out there'.  I dropped defenses and opened the door again (emotionally) for someone who hurt me rather badly.  Why?  It is hard to let go of something which once was good, or should have been good, or whatever it is that binds us to certain people.

Maybe it was dumb.  Could be really dumb because there were lines which were crossed that will require there to be changes in people's behavior and counseling, if another attempt at this relationship is made.

However, I don't know if it will be made because he didn't respond.

I mean, I didn't expect him to drop everything and run to me, but damn, an acknowledgement would have been nice.  This interim time gives me pause to wonder- maybe it is better, maybe I was wrong and weak and sad.

The thing is, I decided, I would rather be wrong and take a chance on happiness, than be right and miss out on a good thing.

I am fortune's fool for sure, but at least I can go on without the regret I would have felt if I had not extended that last hand out to him.  Even if he never responds, at least I will know now that I did not let pride or logic lead, I let my heart lead, and if that gets me to the same end, so be it.  I will go there knowing I took another chance on love.

And I hope I will never stop taking those chances.  When people let their hearts harden and turn bitter, they seem to stop enjoying life.

And that my friends, is what I am here for.  Since I reached out, a weight was lifted off of my chest.  My heart felt less heavy immediately.  Even if I am ignored or scorned or whatever, I know I let my defenses down and was vulnerable.

It felt weird, but good.  Regardless of the outcome, I need to do that more often.