Freaking out.

I live in a perpetual state of changing my mind and then freaking out and then having a mental/emotional breakdown trying to figure out what my path in life is supposed to be.

Maybe these wise words will help if I read them enough:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. -Kahlil Gibran.

Do or do not. There is no try.
-Yoda

This is my confession...

Alright I admit it...

I have been eating the Halloween candy I bought for any trick or treating kiddos who may stop by my apartment door.

I guess, I should also I admit I bought two bags when I really could have only bought one.

And you should know that I bought the kinds of candy I like to eat with little thought of kids opinions (Raisenettes!)

And that I don't really expect any kids to hike up to my third floor, undecorated door on Halloween.

And honestly, I don't really wanna share my candy with those little buggers anyway.

;)

Pirates.

Here we go, I love Halloween! I really missed having Chris around.

















I made her do this! Very Marylin!
























Relishing the pirate's life.





































Mullet snuggles. **Too cute.** I told her this will be their wedding photo someday!









































I only had maybe four drinks all evening and I have been useless all day. I guess I am not much of a serious drinker anymore. Two drinks needs to be my limit- or I lose a day to the evil hangover monster! We had a lot of fun being pirates! I think I wanna have an all pirate party sometime- lots of neat costumes and rum punches!

Rachel (not me, the blond) met a cute boy- I am always hoping it will be the one who will treat her nicely and respect her. I guess time will tell! Things were going great for them- until he took some shots and started puking. *yuck* I have some nice shots of Rachel looking grossed out after helping clean it up, but she hated them, so I left them off.

**I am a photo maniac if you hadn't noticed. I document everything for posterity!**

In My Life...

I heard this song and got distracted from my homework. I always think of Chris when I hear this song, especially Johnny Cash's version.

"There are places I'll remember, all my life though some have changed.




















Some forever, not for better. Some have gone and some remain...

















All these places have their moments with lover's and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living...



















In my life I loved them all.



















But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you.





















And these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as something new.




















Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before.




















I know I'll often stop and think about them.



















In my life, I loved you more."

Crafty and clumsy.

I have my family's old dining room table. It's pretty beat up because my sisters and I were quite the terrors in our younger days. I decided to recover the chairs as soon as I brought it into my apartment, but didn't get around to it until yesterday.

See, I had these gorgeous light, green super thread count sheets which I bought in Austin just before I moved, but they didn't match my bedroom's color scheme here, which is brown and red. So, they sat on a shelf; until last week when I realized they matched the living room perfectly and therefore, the top sheet became a curtain and the ugly mini-blinds were banished from my life forever!

Then, it occurred to me the pillowcases could be used to cover the dining room table chairs. My living room and dining room are one large room decorated in brown and blue which feeds into my kitchen which is also green and blue. It was all coming together...

I finished the slightly tedious task of cutting up pillowcases and recovering chairs yesterday afternoon; and I was feeling quite accomplished.

This afternoon, I sat down at the table to study and knocked my glass of Republic of Tea, Raspberry Quince over. It spilled on a chair. Light green fabric and black tea is a bad combination. I scrubbed and now the chair is sitting in front of my french doors drying. Will it pull through? It's just too soon to say.

*sigh*

Babysitting or maybe...

In my infinite wisdom, I decided to post an ad on craigslist advertising myself as a babysitter. I figured maybe I could make some money and not have to worry about getting a job with a more concrete schedule. My original ad said that I was a "mature" college student, that I could also tutor while watching the kiddo and had contact info. In less than fifteen minutes I get a response from rhartness43@hotmail.com and I am excited! "Yes!!!! No waiting tables. Here we go..."

"Well I would like to be babysat. I would love to be feed and given a bath. No sex just be taken care of. I am 39 years old let me know I would like to hire you maybe 1or2 times a week for 5-8 hours a trip !!"

Gross.

Being the age of information, I look up said perv on, where else, MySpace. He's there. He's gross. Check him out if you want by clicking on the title to this posting.

Shy? Yeah, I don't think so. What I want to know, why would a person like this feel compelled to basically harass a student trying to make an honest living? This was posted under "childcare" not "adult services".

Trying to decide what to do to this man for punishment for being so gross. I am sure karma will take care of it, but maybe I can find a way to punish him....

First time I danced with Chris.

Country Club dance in May or so of 7th grade. I have no idea what year that was... 1995? So, 12 years ago? Yeah, that seems right. We danced to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I am pretty sure it was a lame sway side to side thing, but we've come a long way since then. Dancing with him comprises some of my happiest moments in life.

A few really good dances we have had recently would include "My Girl" at Sammy Farhat's wedding and "Let's Get it On" at Julie and Joe's wedding. I think Julie has pictures- I should get those. When Chris will consent to dance with me it is like the whole world ceases to exist and it is only him, me and the music; and we are fairytale waltzing. If he would let me, I would dance with him for hours without end, but usually I only get a few choice songs.

Well, here are the girls before the dance; primped and ready to tear it up:

The grumblings of a blessed bear...

I am so lucky.

This semester, my first in transition from a journalism major to a science major, has been seriously kicking my butt. Not to say the material and my brain don't want to get along; it has really been an issue of adjusting to the move, trying to make ends meet and underestimating the amount of studying four science classes require. But, I love science and I am easily the biggest dork in most of my classes which I think is so cool!

After I quit my job, I began to plot and scheme about my financial future. I am inventive and came up with a few ideas- working in Austin on weekends, selling stuff I own or moving back to school and having a real job again. My family, took notice of my situation and swooped in to help; which was completely unexpected- not that they are cruel or uncaring, but I am 25- not exactly the age where you want to be asking your parents for help with rent money.

Basically, my parents each came to me separately and offered to help me out the rest of the semester, so that I can focus on learning! Amazing- I can't believe it still. I cannot offer them enough thanks or accurately demonstrate to them how much this means to me.

I just feel so loved and lucky.

I can't believe I almost forgot to mention how wonderful it is to have the support of other people. My friends have all been amazingly helpful- both online and in the flesh. What I would do without them and their love, who knows?

And then there is the most wonderful man in existence who does his best to stand beside me while I seek out my dreams, so far away from him, even though he would rather I abandon them and become his housekeeper (which he could use). Words don't even begin to describe how blessed he makes me feel- especially when these silly, young college boys in my classes talk to me and all I can think is, "I am so happy I am a real grown up now and I don't have to worry about these ridiculous boys!!!"

Boring

How boring has my life been lately (according to the blog?) ???

Honestly, it hasn't been my most exciting last few months, but damn- all I have been writing about is like .... well, I have just been bitching since school started! I SUCK! Life gives me so many beautiful gifts on a daily basis and all I record for posterity is bitching. What kind of person am I?

I have two mid-terms tomorrow- but, I will spend my weekend reorganizing my brain- so that I will never fall into such a rut of bitch, bitch, bitch- you would think I was the most awful person!

Hmm... maybe I am? More things to reorganize- I think I must have forgotten to mention that I live in a tropical heaven where it hardly gets cold and there are palm trees on my way to school. I must have forgotten to mention that the wind incites my soul with vigor and passion when it whips around me. I forgot to mention, after a bad day- I just drive to the beach and soak up the sun and when it leaves for the night- I catch an amazing sunset over the dunes and then the moon shines down on the gulf and it's like my own private paradise.

Time to pull an all night Chemistry cram fest. It's just me, the dogs, a box of Pinot Noir and a whole lotta chemisty. Wish me luck and stamina!

Freedom!

I called in to work yesterday and told my manager, "I am so sorry to do this to you, but I can't come in today."

He said, "Oh no, why not?"

I said, "because I hate being there and the thought of going in makes me want to cry."

A logical reason to quit, no?

Now, if I could just figure out how to get some more of that stuff... what's it called again.... oh yeah, money!

Helpless.

I got a migraine today in my Biology lab. It came on rather unexpectedly because I hadn't had a migraine in the whole time I have been living here and I didn't notice any of the normal warning symptoms. I was sitting in class, we had just finished a quiz and I suddenly realized it was coming. I see "auras" which are flashes of light that basically render me blind until they go away. I have to cover my eyes because if I try to see when I have them- it makes the headache that follows infinitely worse.

So, I am about to start a project that sounded really cool involving shaving off pieces of aquatic plants and measuring their rates of photosynthesis when I start to see these flashes of light. It is a two person project, so I try to communicate to my lab partner that I can no longer see. Sweet girl offers to read me the project! :) I tell her I can't think either and I start digging in vain in my giant backpack for migraine pills which I know I don't have, but I just don't want to believe it. My TA walks by and I am able to get the phrase "Amanda, I am getting a migraine and I can't see..." out of my mouth before I start crying. She offers me water and through my choking tears I say, " I am going to go sit in the hall." and pretty much stumble out of my lab like a blind, crazy madwoman.

I sit on the floor in the hall of the lab building with my head buried in my hands while the world goes completely crazy for me. I have basically got strobe lights in front of my eyes, it feels like I am on a roller coaster and I realize I can't leave campus. I obviously cannot drive home- I can't even walk down the hall. Worse yet, while I have friends here in Corpus, they aren't really the kind of friends you call sobbing and incapacitated asking for a ride home; I try to save that for people I have known at least a few months! I am stuck with nowhere to go and no one to help me.

At first the hall is empty and I am so thankful because, how crazy do I look? But, then the people start coming and I am just sitting in the floor of the hall, head buried in hands trying to be invisible and not to cry to hard. Sad thing, not one person stops and asks if I need help! I was thankful at the time because they would have gotten a crazed, sobbing unintelligible reply- but now that my head is starting to clear up, I am appalled! I would have tried to help, but I guess I am just overly helpful. I really wanted to go somewhere, but I couldn't see- I was completely helpless!

I decide the auras are starting to reside and I want to go to the bathroom and put a wet paper towel on my head to cool off. I get up woozily and try to walk down the hall with one hand shielding my eyes and of course there is a whole class waiting in the hallway between me and the restrooms! As I am walking through the mob, a girl I know tries to ask if I am OK and I answer with some crazy, sobbing reply. That will be fun to explain to her tomorrow in class!

(Eventually I make it there and back and head home- I can't think clearly enough for coherant details here.)

Side note: On my way home I stop at McDonalds, something I never do, and get a full "meal" and a hot fudge sundae which, of course, I eat first. Migraines compel me to binge eat, isn't that strange?

That's all I can write now, I don't know if this is even making sense so far! I just got up- I got home at one and have slept all day! My head hurts and I want something to fix it, but I have no clue what will do it.

The point I wanted to make was that feeling completely helpless is horrible and humbling. We take for granted that we can get around by ourselves and that we are independent entities; and it can be ripped away in a second.

Lost as ever.

I am so confused. My intention in coming to Corpus was to work less and be able to dedicate myself to really learning in school, but that is not exactly happening. I never have time to study and I feel like I am run as ragged as I was in Austin, except I am way more broke and there is no awesome vacation around the corner to make it all worth while. Tonight I find myself wondering if I could afford to break my lease and go home after the semester is over.

I miss vacation. I know I am spoiled, but I miss hotels, planes and adventures. I can't plan a trip anywhere because I have absolutely no money! I am also having trouble keeping up in school because I have to work so much to just live- rent and bills. I don't even have money for wine! This is serious!

Maybe I am not meant to finish school yet. I could go back to my easy job that pays well and take two months of vacation a year- it wasn't exactly a bad gig.

I wish I knew what to do. Universe, I need guidance. Please send it immediately.

Well, I suck, but wine is good

So, apparently I am not going thirty days without drinking alcohol. However, because of this I did discover a delicious wine I never had experienced before... The J. Lohr Wildflower Valdiguié !!!!

The vintage was '04 and it was amazing. Both light and complex; and most importantly, very yummy. Here's what they say:

"Vibrant purple-red in color with youthful hues, our J. Lohr Estates Wildflower Valdiguié has intense varietal aromas of boysenberry, plum, blackberry, and bing cherry preserves. The fruit complexion in the wine is slightly darker--favoring the blackberry and plum fruits-- than in previous vintages. The luscious fruit and lingering acidity make this wine ideal as an aperitif. Serve chilled or try it with fish and chips with aioli mayonnaise for a treat. Drink your last bottle just in time for the release of the new vintage!"

Hmmm... fish and chips are my favorite! But, I have always believed that they belong with beer- something hoppy and malty or.... to be honest, my favorite beer with fish and chips is actually a Velveteen- half Guinness and half apple cider. It goes well together because the cider is sweet which magnifies the salty taste of the fish and chips- and then there is creamy Guinness to top it off- like the whipped cream on a sundae. Mmmmm.... That is what I envision with fish and chips. Who knows- maybe I could, "Go crazy" and try fish and chips with wine. I do remember the wine did make me crave a salty snack- so, it could work.

Side note: I also read that it is a good red wine to share with all you "only white" wine drinkers out there.