Helpless.

I got a migraine today in my Biology lab. It came on rather unexpectedly because I hadn't had a migraine in the whole time I have been living here and I didn't notice any of the normal warning symptoms. I was sitting in class, we had just finished a quiz and I suddenly realized it was coming. I see "auras" which are flashes of light that basically render me blind until they go away. I have to cover my eyes because if I try to see when I have them- it makes the headache that follows infinitely worse.

So, I am about to start a project that sounded really cool involving shaving off pieces of aquatic plants and measuring their rates of photosynthesis when I start to see these flashes of light. It is a two person project, so I try to communicate to my lab partner that I can no longer see. Sweet girl offers to read me the project! :) I tell her I can't think either and I start digging in vain in my giant backpack for migraine pills which I know I don't have, but I just don't want to believe it. My TA walks by and I am able to get the phrase "Amanda, I am getting a migraine and I can't see..." out of my mouth before I start crying. She offers me water and through my choking tears I say, " I am going to go sit in the hall." and pretty much stumble out of my lab like a blind, crazy madwoman.

I sit on the floor in the hall of the lab building with my head buried in my hands while the world goes completely crazy for me. I have basically got strobe lights in front of my eyes, it feels like I am on a roller coaster and I realize I can't leave campus. I obviously cannot drive home- I can't even walk down the hall. Worse yet, while I have friends here in Corpus, they aren't really the kind of friends you call sobbing and incapacitated asking for a ride home; I try to save that for people I have known at least a few months! I am stuck with nowhere to go and no one to help me.

At first the hall is empty and I am so thankful because, how crazy do I look? But, then the people start coming and I am just sitting in the floor of the hall, head buried in hands trying to be invisible and not to cry to hard. Sad thing, not one person stops and asks if I need help! I was thankful at the time because they would have gotten a crazed, sobbing unintelligible reply- but now that my head is starting to clear up, I am appalled! I would have tried to help, but I guess I am just overly helpful. I really wanted to go somewhere, but I couldn't see- I was completely helpless!

I decide the auras are starting to reside and I want to go to the bathroom and put a wet paper towel on my head to cool off. I get up woozily and try to walk down the hall with one hand shielding my eyes and of course there is a whole class waiting in the hallway between me and the restrooms! As I am walking through the mob, a girl I know tries to ask if I am OK and I answer with some crazy, sobbing reply. That will be fun to explain to her tomorrow in class!

(Eventually I make it there and back and head home- I can't think clearly enough for coherant details here.)

Side note: On my way home I stop at McDonalds, something I never do, and get a full "meal" and a hot fudge sundae which, of course, I eat first. Migraines compel me to binge eat, isn't that strange?

That's all I can write now, I don't know if this is even making sense so far! I just got up- I got home at one and have slept all day! My head hurts and I want something to fix it, but I have no clue what will do it.

The point I wanted to make was that feeling completely helpless is horrible and humbling. We take for granted that we can get around by ourselves and that we are independent entities; and it can be ripped away in a second.