I leave for New Year's Eve in New Orleans tomorrow with a group of friends from Corpus and I am super excited!! Just bought a pair of fancy new black boots that hurt my wallet, but will never hurt my feet. Black, flat heels and real leather- my whole trip wardrobe is worked around these shoes!!! There will be pictures upon return!
Sooo.... I mentioned I was flabby after a semester without much exercise and in El Paso, I was feeling the way you feel when you wish you could fast forward one month of exercise to the more fit version of yourself, but something curious kept happening to me... '
Everywhere I went I had random men approaching me and hitting on me! Which is super awkward when you are in the vicinity of your family, but I could hardly believe it- here I am feeling like a whale and men are flocking to me!!
Semester of hell, broken lap top, financial aid idiocracy and six weeks of a stray dog have run this poor old lady ragged!
Need to recharge batteries and rethink things. May change career goal from field fisheries biologist to environmental lobbyist / policy maker type thing. Have a book I wanna write as soon as I am laptop enabled again- it's supposed to start a mini- environmental-revolution, but for now- it's still top secret!
Brain is currently a jumbled mess of scientific names for invertebrates, macro and mirco algaes, organic chemicals and ecology formulas mixed with the possibility of new degree plans and graduate schools!
Leaving town to go to El Paso by way of Austin today- then home and I cannot wait to get back here and rest and jump on my trampoline and hit the gym like a mad woman! This semester was so busy I only made it to the gym a few times and it is showing! Flab- thy name is Rachel!
Happy holidays to all, should I not make it back this way! A better blogger is promised by the new year!
Chris and I deciding what to order on a family dinner at Johnny Carino's a few years ago. Everyone was there pretty much. Today is Chris' 27th birthday. It's been a long time since I didn't celebrate with him- well, at least there is country music.
And I bought myself a big trampoline for christmas- wanted one my whole life! Best gift I ever got myself, besides lip gloss from MAC. ;)
"I have an English Bulldog he does not get along with other dogs has to be the only dog. Does not like cats. Does get along with my kids and our friends kids. he is 5yrs. He does like to jump on people when they come in sort of a greeting of his. You will have to introduce him slowly just like with any other animal. Usually he just lays and sleep and snores all day. Just gets up to eat and poop. I have to let him go. he does come with papers. I am willing to meet half way. he is potty trained. Willing to meet half way. "
-you must see B.B.King in concert if at all possible. He is 83 years old, so hurry!
When the man sings, it stirs your soul- feelings you didn't even know you had are evoked. His voice alone can fill an entire amphitheater. The depth of his voice seems infinite.
When he plays guitar, it brings tears to your eyes. He can make the guitar to sound like the emotions you have not been able to vocalize. Deep, insanely soulful- all you can really do to respond is stare with your mouth open and cry.
Plus, he really likes to shake his groove thing, which is hilarious.
I am wandering around in my big fuzzy robe, got the house to myself because roommate is out of town, thinking about making an omelet and taking a walk. Then maybe lunch with some friends I haven't really seen all semester!
A cold front blew in last night, so it feels refreshing outside this morning. Mmmm...
(Trying not to remember that I have to study for two tests and write a lab report.)
I have learned that nothing much can be accomplished by talking to most people about two things:
politics and religion.
So, I generally don't chime in with my opinion about either topic.
My reason for abstaining from debate is that those whose opinions you can sway with a simple argument are generally not worth having on your side.
And the others have opinions which are generally rooted in some deep part of them which just cannot really be touched- which is neither good or bad, it just is.
I think so many political choices are made for social reasons and that drives me crazy! To me running a country and personal opinions about some hot button social/religious issues are as relevant to each other as linking your belief in the Easter Bunny to how you choose your financial investments.
That to me, is the purpose of separation of church and state, and the limiting power of the constitution and state's rights! That, in my opinion, is what the fore fathers intended. Not a two party system which is equivalent to the choice of mashed potatoes or french fries with your steak- either way your are getting the same thing, a hunk of beef and something starchy with lots of transfats hidden inside! And either ways the methane produced by that cow and the pesticides used to grow those potatoes are gonna effect you a lot more in the long run. But, what do I really know?
Absolutely nothing- nothing but oysters and that is how I like it.
I am an optimist on a personal level and a pessimist on a global level. I believe humans are gonna destroy what's left of the earth pretty soon anyway, so in the long run, nothing really matters. This planet is on the fast track to becoming a waste land of jellyfish and sludge. It's only a matter of time before orcas start picking off humans, they will be running out of otters soon and I believe we would be the next available substitute in the food web. ;) (that is kind of a nerdy joke. Kind of).
This whole mess is why I quit wanting to be a Political Science major- I just want everyone to get along and take care of their own business and leave the government to handle to bigger fishes like foreign policy and maybe saving our poor defenseless planet and what not.
Now Biology, that is completely rational, I can handle that! And back to it I now go! ;)
Tell me it's almost Dec 17? That, my friends, is the last day of finals, the day of my Christmas party and the happiest day of my life (at least this semester!)!!!
Well, maybe not, I think that may be a task beyond my abilities. So, let me tell it to you biased and one-sided. Yeah, that I can handle.
I don't know how the love that was supposed to last me forever can just be over. I know it was a slow and painful process. I know that to cope with the void it left in me, I pretty much walk around like it never existed. There is no real refuge from the lost love except fictitious abandonment of all that used to mean everything.
It's a sad, sad world when people actually give up on true love because it is inconvenient and the shine has long since faded. Pathetic that people would rather not change themselves or compromise, but instead try to find a better fit elsewhere.
The truth is that there may indeed come a time when so much has transpired that the best option is to walk, or run away- and look for a new beginning. If you can't let go of the past, then the future will never mean anything. Conversely, if you refuse to learn from the past and adapt, then things become stagnant and fester. And worst and maybe most relevantly of all, if you can plan nothing for the future, then you become stuck with nowhere to go- no direction, no compass, a dead end.
It's hard to imagine a love story ending so badly when the characters so perfectly fit together, on paper anyway. I guess it's a different story when you add that third dimension back in- I guess that's the problem with looking at love on paper- it doesn't actually exist in that form and the representation is thus completely worthless.
I have avoided thinking or writing much about this, but I feel like it is probably beyond time to start dealing with it. The future is constantly ticking away with every second and I don't want to get stuck in another dead end while hiding from my failures.
Life goes on. So, I gotta keep up,keep moving and hopefully learn from my mistakes.
I have an awful memory, so the older ones are guess-timates!
1 minute ago: studying for one of my two tests tomorrow
1 day ago: making salmon pasta and drinking sangria
1 week ago: resting after presenting my research to a room full of classmates and professors (yikes!)
1 month ago: getting ready to leave for a conference in salt lake city. Studying for my first round of tests.
3 years ago: Living in downtown austin with my boyfriend. A newly unemployed flight attendant and a newly minted travel agent
5 years ago: trying to be a movie star and working as a bicycle taxi driver
7 years ago: living with my dad and aspiring to be a triathlete/personal trainer. In freaking amazing shape, but I worked out about fours hours or more daily! (crazy)
10 years ago: probably smoking cigartettes behind my school if I showed up (yuck and dumb)
This semester is kicking my ass! Hurricanes, burglarizes and adjusting to other life changes! It's that wonderful, chaotic, hectic mess that is college!
I got to go to a conference in Salt Lake City for most of last week and meet some people from my potential graduate schools and that has made me so excited- top 2 contenders:
UC-Santa Cruz, University of Oregon and University of Washington. They all expressed interest in me and my research as well, so I feel pretty good about my chances to get a spot in their programs! I presented a poster displaying my research but didn't get an award- ah well, next time!
Here is me being nerdy at my poster:
I have to catch up with everyone- I miss all my friends! This probably means you too!
Many people offered to come over on Saturday and sleep on the sofa or for me to leave here and stay at their place. I didn't accept these generous offers because I didn't want the thieves to win. I didn't want to let them steal my life...
but, I haven't left my house since I got home and am kind of terrified to-
Skipped my first class today, but heading into the second one...
deep breaths.
.
.
.
Dogs will be ok when I get home and will protect the house... It's over.
Most people who I know here in Corpus have been burglarized, so I wasn't terribly surprised when I came home to find my house broken into.
At first it didn't register what had happened; quite a few window screens were pulled off and my bedroom window was broken under its screen. I thought my landlord had performed some weird hurricane preparedness ritual which I was ignorant to. I had just finished a four hour drive and urgently ran inside to relieve myself. From the bathroom, I could see my bedroom... it was a lot messier than I had left it.
I started to get a weird tingly feeling and goosebumps formed on my arms and legs. I went into my bedroom to investigate: broken window with glass everywhere, things knocked over,purses emptied, jewelry all over the edge of the bed and the floor, sock drawers dumped out... I head to the front door, it is unlocked- most definitely not how I left it... Major goosebumps now, someone who didn't belong in my home was here for sure. I go outside- inside doesn't feel safe, even with two tough looking dogs.
Call the roommate, the cops, the landlord, my daddy, my mom...
People who take advantage of evacuee's have a special place in hell reserved for them.
I don't know how many times I have wondered how I would react if I found out I had a terminal disease. One hopes with dignity, strength and grace. One hopes their passion for life is enough to sustain them through anything. One hopes they didn't waste too much of their precious alloted time.
When I was a kid I was sunburned badly twice, two separate years. Blisters covering my shoulders which turned into giant scabs and healed into sundamaged skin marked with brown spots. I wear sunblock on my shoulders pretty much everywhere I go. Walking across campus, riding my bike or even walking the dogs! I don't wanna risk another burn. And I haven't gotten burned badly in a long time. I do harbor some resentment to my mom for letting me get so burned, and two separate times! What was she so preoccupied with that she couldn't put a little more sunblock on her young child?
Starting to worry as I age- I want to live forever! I want to see one hundred years of joy on this planet! I have so many more things to experience, places to go, foods to try and people to meet! No way I am making an early exit!
So, I keep an eye out for oddities and things start to concern me. Moles aren't supposed to change. This worries me. More so, they aren't supposed to bleed. One time, I can ignore, but twice was cause enough to make the trip to the doctor where I was hacked up and sent off for testing.
You ponder things when you suddenly find yourself doubting your own immortality. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what is worthwhile and what is not. Things which I concern myself with do continue to seem important and this pleases me. When I reflect upon my life, I am happy with my current path and I wouldn't change anything. I feel like my work is meaningful and my time is well spent on a day to day basis.
Outside of my window, a hummingbird hovers, wings furiously beating at an insane pace. He still looks so calm in the midst of his own fury. Perhaps there is a lessons there.
Such a simple thing, why procrastinate? Why put off something that will put an end to the worry about things I don't like to name? It's probably nothing anyway.
The pain emanating from my stomach reminds me that something real has happened here; they took a part of me. What once was me- is now just flesh in a test tube somewhere being analyzed. Or maybe it has already been analyzed? Maybe if I make that call they can answer my question-
do I? or do I just have a bullet shaped wound in my stomach where once a cute little beauty mark lived?
I man up, steel my nerves and make the call. I get put on hold for a long time while the friendly nurse retrieves my test results. Seconds take hours and waiting is torturous. She returns and awkwardly states that the doctor has not signed off on my results yet and that she promises they will call me right back.
The waiting game continues. Do I want my phone to ring? I hope so and I hope it happens soon.
I do. I eat it all! However, I am so shame filled because the more I learn about the food industry and how it damages the world, the closer I am becoming to making a big change.
It's very possible I will very soon quit eating any meat that isn't, at least, organic and free range, and preferably local- which should be easy down here because there are lots of ranches in south Texas. I know what the mass production of cattle does to the earth- bad things, if you were wondering! Very bad- produces tons of methane and requires more corn than you can imagine! Hunger could be pretty much eliminated if the land used for corn to feed beef was used in production of a crop to feed the hungry. Not to mention the animal themselves conditions...
But, I digress. Yes, I shamefully eat it all- I even love canned tuna, the worst of the bunch in my opinion.
However, the more my research and my general interest dives me into where our food comes from and what it damages- the less I can imagine supporting these industries financially. I honestly became interested in working with fish because I thought, "If I work in fisheries, I can eat tuna steaks guilt free."
Sadly, quite the opposite is occurring- the guilt grows and I am at the point where deliciousness seems to mean little in the face of extinction. I am at the point where I know too much to act like it's alright because it's not. The way our food is produced/caught is deplorable, and I find myself wanting to support these areas of extreme wrong doing less and less.
Conflict being- I am poor and organic/free range is expensive. I also love steaks and tuna, but when it gets down to morals as it now has... I find myself with the only option left being to stop consuming the products which offend so greatly.
I would be very interested to hear what you have to say on this subject, but I think it truly is a good idea to try not and support industries which are degrading our planet and I think I will be increasing the efforts on my part to abstain.
(Once I eat what's in my fridge- waste not want not!)
I am doing a thesis-like research project as a stipulation of a scholarship I receive. I will complete it in the Spring of 2010, when I am about to graduate. The goal of the program is to make me competitive for graduate school.
My research is motivated by my belief that the toll of commercial fishing, if it continues on its current path, will in our lifetimes, essentially render the ocean a fish-less bacteria filled wasteland of jellyfish. I want to try and help stop this from happening! I love the ocean and I love fish and I want to know that I contributed all that I could to solving this issue.
Currently, many estimates show 90% of the world's fish stocks to be depleted- and these don't come back over night. Some higher level species like tuna can live up to thirty years and because these fish are caught in such high numbers, the stocks are never given time to be replenished. I am sure everyone can imagine when any one thing is removed from an ecosystem it can have severe consequences. Now imagine removing thousands of species... bad news for everything on the planet.
It is almost impossible to regulate commercial fishing. Asian countries have a great appetite for fish and their fishing industry has shown little consideration for the future. How do you regulate what goes on in the vast expanse of international waters?
To me it would seem that killing the market for illegal fish and more strict regulations of species that are listed as being depleted would be a start, but who gets to make the rules and how would you enforce them? Large bluefin tuna are increasingly rare and can fetch up to $40,000 a fish in Asian markets. Not to say Asia is the only place at fault, as a planet we are decimating fish populations everywhere.
At the end of her book, Sea Change, an idol of mine, Sylvia Earle, compared commercial fishing with the fable about the goose that laid a golden egg every day. The farmer who owned the goose got greedy and decided to cut open the goose to get all its treasure at once and thus ended up with nothing but a useless dead goose and blood on his hands.
I work in a fisheries lab at TAMU-CC where we mostly study populations of fish that live in areas near the coast; such as redfish or flounder. These are important for local fishermen and tourism.
My specific project is assessing whether oyster reefs should qualify as protected habitat under the Magnuson-Stevens Act (1996) which protects essential fish habitat or "those waters and substrate necessary to fish for spawning, breeding, feeding, or growth to maturity".
It's important to protect areas where the baby fish live because without these areas, the fish populations cannot thrive- which is what I want to happen because I love to eat fish!
From National Geographic Adventure June/July 2008 issue:
"When we arrive here on Earth, we are naked, helpless, and ignorant. We are in a savage state, so to speak. As children we are brilliant generalists, curious about everything, voracious learning machines. But most of us gradually fall into a vacation state of mind and become specialists in our narrow little preserves, focused only on the minutiae of our own lives- the big project at work, the newest cell phone, that upcoming backpacking trip. We stop learning broadly and deeply, and then when something unexpected happens, we don't know what to do. We don't have the resources. We weren't paying attention to new information from our environment. I think we can do better."
I need a break. I need less to do. I need to log about one thousand hours in the gym to burn off the stress compiling inside of me (not to mention the Chinese food I had for dinner!).
*sigh*
I need to enter in eleven more pages of data into Excel tonight before bed. I need to create a fifteen minute powerpoint presentation to give to my scholarship committee. I need to mow my lawn before my landlord evicts me- with my weed whacker because I haven't bought a lawnmower yet! I need to complain for a minute and move on...
*sigh*
Time to whine, "I just wanna go surfing tomorrow before the waves are all gone again!"
*sigh*
Back to data. Hit the gym manana. Try not to think about the other things which are bothering me, too much....
Know that next weekend, I will go surfing. Know that there are certainly things which could cheer me up soon. Know that everyday will not always be so vanilla - just today. Know fuchsia days are surely ahead, surely.
Nothing like a looming project of great importance to lead me back to my blog.
The project: a fifteen minute power point presentation about my research on oyster reefs as fish habitat.
The presentation: ten days from now.
I am so.... not ready! It's a friendly audience though, so I think all will turn out in the end.
Summer continues to fly by at breakneck speed. To break up the already hectic schedule I am keeping, mother nature is throwing a nice whopper of a surprise for me this Wednesday- tropical storm Dolly? hurricane Dolly? just good surfing conditions? Hmmm.. time will tell I suppose. At least one thing is sure, I need some rum to whip up a batch of hurricanes for waiting the storm out! ;)
Can't seem to get started on my power point- so far I have a title and a blank second slide and that's it! Must share with people all I know about the usage of intertidal oyster reefs as habitat by nekton in estuarine ecosystems- very important....... oh crap, did you fall asleep too? ;) Ha ha- just kidding! Of course, I love my research, I am just being lazy...
This Summer has been quite lovely thus far, but incredibly busy. I find myself actually beginning to look forward to classes resuming in the Fall and my schedule getting more... well not normal, but more like what I have gotten used to!
There are ten interns who are here for the summer in a program similar to my scholarship and they are super wonderful and have made everything such a joy! I will miss my new friends and all their silliness. See below for an example:
I also just finished moving into new house with a roommate who is also named Rachel- which is kinda weird because my last roommate was also named... Rachel. Well, guess that's how I like it!
My little sister has spent the last week visiting me and left me a bit brain dead.
My $50 craigslist treasure of a fridge just started making noises like it wants to die!
And now- I have finished my merlot- brush the teeth and sleep! :) Lovin' the Universe!
So sometimes when you are headed down the wrong path, the universe kicks you in the ass to help you get a clue. I feel this is what happened to me upon my arrival at [omitted corporate restaurant name] this evening. Fist I could not lock my bike to the rail because the rail was too thick and my lock was too short. Of course, I eventually found a less secure way to rig the lock and so I proceeded inside to get to work about twenty minutes early for my shift! I check with the hostess and my section is the "Captain's Room"... basically a room used for parties and there were no parties scheduled for last night...So, I would have had no customers and make no money. Oh well, I just shrug it off and head upstairs to the bar where my friend Katie is supposed to have a work shirt for me because I gave her all mine last time I quit. At the bar talking to Katie is Frank, the most annoying manager in the world. The man seriously and literally has nothing in his sad life but [omitted corporate restaurant name] and a shitzu. I don't say that to be mean,I say it because it is true and a character defining trait. This may be in part because Frank has no interpersonal communication skills, when he goes to talk with tables to make sure they had an "enjoyable dining experience", the people look both a little frightened and annoyed by his presence. His is also mid thirties and still young enough to change his life if he wanted to, but that is not important this story.
What is important is that good old Frank was quite deep into bitching at Katie about a sticky area behind the bar. I can see that Katie is trying her damndest to look like she cares at all about this because, apparently Frank thinks this is a rather serious issue which demands to be recognized, debated and immediately addressed. I can tell that Frank would also like to issue a memo about said sticky behind the bar area informing all [omitted corporate restaurant name] corporation employees that sticky areas are now considered against company policy and that anyone creating or ignoring a sticky area would be hereby suspended from work or possibly fired.
But, I digress, So, I approach this battle of wits mid debate and stand at the right of Frank waiting for him to leave, so that I can receive my white button down shirt with buttons on the collar as per company policy from Katie. Frank stops and turns to face me full on. "Brewton!" he exclaims, "Are you working?" He knows I am, this is a rhetorical question.
He examines me up and down. He is quite gay, so this is not creepy in a sexual way, just in the way that I know he is a drill sergeant looking to find fault in my appearance and bring it to everyone's attention. First one is easy, "Where is your uniform?", he barks at me. I explain that Katie has my shirt which she will give me as soon as he leaves her alone and that the general manager Patti, told me she would have an apron and a tie for me. He examines me for a second time. I can tell he curses me in his head for being so well groomed. I have done my hair in a flattering, yet conservative style. I have an appropriate amount of makeup on. My shoes, belt, socks and pants are all black and cleaned. "God you're tan!" he accuses. I sigh, when will he leave? "Your pants, Brewton, they are not acceptable!" This is actually news to me as they are the pants which I have always worn at [omitted corporate restaurant name], so them suddenly being unacceptable seems rather odd; I explain this to Frank and he says that I will have to ask Patti if I may have permission to work looking so "unacceptable". This is fine with me given that Patti was kissing my ass when I said I was coming back because I am a really hard working and reliable employee which [omitted corporate restaurant name] is perpetually in short supply of. Frank swishes away, down the stairs, most likely to inform Patti of my impropriety and I focus my attention on Katie.
Katie and I have arranged a safe word which will be used when I need her to give me alcohol on the job, a popular choice being a margarita in a kid's cup, the word is "hamburger". My friend and I make eye contact, "Hamburger?" she questions. "Hamburger!" I respond and we laugh both knowing full well that I don't mean it just yet, but very well may in a few hours. I get my shirt and head towards Patti's office- and when entering the drink station collide with another server, Leo.
Ah, Leo... Leo made me cry once when I was a new employee because I accidently greeted "his" table. He is disgusting; fat with bad teeth, curly pseudo afro which he wears in a greasy ponytail at work and to top off his other qualities, he has the worst personality in the world. He is a grumpy, thieving asshole. All this charm and more is now scowling at me intensely. I, not being a horrible person, apologize profusely to which he says nothing, just gives me a stony glare and silence. I deduce what drinks were lost and start to make them for him and tell him to leave the mess and that I will clean it up. He doesn't, he grabs a broom grumbling and cleans it up himself. I tell him a few times to just leave it, but eventually I just give up. Who cares if he hates me anyway? He grumbles at me,"I thought you hated this place?!" I respond, "Yeah, but doesn't everyone?" He storms out with his new drinks and I reflect on the joy that will be working with Leo. I consider walking out at this point, but I don't.
Instead I go downstairs to the kitchen. The kitchen immediately erupts in a chorus of my name. I am loved by 95% of people on the slave ship. I am a good worker with a good attitude and the love makes me feel like maybe it will be ok working here. The general manager, Patti and Frank are deep in conversation and do not acknowledge me standing at the open door of the office for about ten minutes. I walk away and I ask another manager to get me what I need to get to work. She walks me back to the office and asks Patti to give me my supplies. Patti is about to concede when Frank butts in about my pants. Patti examines them and says they are indeed unacceptable because "there are rivets on the pockets". I explain again they are the only pants which I have ever worn to work there and that I do not have another pair of work pants. I am asked if I want to go buy some and come back. I explain that I am without car and that no I did not want to try and buy any tonight or before my shift Sunday. I basically put out there that I will work in these pants for these two nights or that they will have to wait a few weeks for me to get a car and decide that I want to go buy new pants before I can work there.
They are both staring me down and I get the feeling that what they really want right now is for me to beg. Not on my knees groveling, but a little "Please, please can I just work this week in these pants?" sort of thing. A submission of will is what they want to get from me, however, unfortunately for them, it is one thing they will never get from me! I have pride and perhaps I do need to make money, but not enough to beg to work in a crappy restaurant in a perfectly acceptable uniform. I say, "Look if my appearance is, indeed, unacceptable, then I will just go. I know I was only added on to the schedule at the last minute and that you don't need me here. If I am not up to your standards I will just leave, it's not a big deal to me." Thereby letting them know, I will work for you, and hard, and I will show up on time, but I will not grovel and I do not need you- you need me. So, I left. I went upstairs to tell Katie, who balked and was pretty sad to lose me as a coworker so quickly. I told all the bartenders and servers on the way out, who also balked at how ridiculous the managers were being. I didn't care- my heart was singing the sweet song of FREEDOM!
I have nothing remotely compelling in my head, so here are a few random thoughts for the day:
And still the "I can't believe you're THAT old thing!" continues! Dude, it's twenty-six, not fifty-seven, chill- it really isn't so old! I feel young as a spring chicken, whatever that means.
It's pint night and I get to go, finally! This semester has been so life sucking that I haven't been to the weekly ritual of $2 beers at the Surf Club since March. Problem is, I am really tired and not really feeling it, but my friend who I am meeting there in an hour is phone-less, so I have no choice!
My dogs really wanna go for a walk right now. Last time I tried to make them wait, my carpet got seriously defiled, seriously. So, it looks like I am outta time.
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!" ;)
Moderately distraught with el Universo (definitely not real Spanish).
Radio plays this song. I jam it. Loved it as a kid. Had a dance to it and everything.
Oddly lyrics ring sadly true.
Video and lyrics below:
Video = awesome eighties-ness. And I have watched it at least fifteen times. If you are envisioning a girl with a cocktail, smoking cigarettes and singing this song teary eyed you are on the right track.
Heart and Soul - T'pau (Something in the moonlight catches my eye The shadow of a lover goes dancing by Looking for a little bit of love to grow, so Give me love, give me heart and soul You never let me cross to the other side now I'm tied to the hope that you will somehow Hard on the heels of something more When I lost your love, heart and soul The tear in my heart as you walk on by) More than an ocean, (I feel so low and your head is high Everything you do convinces me more) Keeps us apart. (Please, give me love, give me heart and soul Looking to the day when I saw your face) I feel a tearing in half of my heart. (I wasn't in the running, I wasn't in the race You moved in a way that I've known before Now I want your love, heart and soul)
(Tired eyes, tears that dried) Leaving you ain't easy now, (On the bed, on the pillow, where the love has died) But loving you's the harder part. (A turn of the key, through the door you go) You never want me for myself, (Don't look back, to hurt me more) And I've needed you right from the very start. (Everything you said was to the point Can't you try to) Oh, won't you even try to:
Give a little bit of heart and soul. (Give a little bit of heart and soul) Give a little bit of love to grow. Give a little bit of heart and soul, (Give a little bit of heart and soul) And don't you make me beg for love. (Must I beg you) Give a sign 'cos' I need to know. A little bit of heart and soul. (Walking on the water, walking on the air)
A walk on the water, (That was the heart of the love we shared Do you keep a secret left untold) Is all that I need. (That you can't give love, heart or soul I used to have a lover with a Midas touch) But miracles are not happening. (I turned to gold but he turned to dust Left me for another, I turned to stone Now give me love, heart and soul) (Tired eyes, tears that dried) Living in a fantasy, (On the bed, on the pillow, where you told your lies) There's never any room to breath. (A turn of the key, and my blood runs cold) Hoping every waking hour, (Don't look back to hurt me more) You'll turn around and say that we can start. (Everything you did just said it all Can't you try to) Won't you even try to:
Give a little bit of heart and soul. (Give a little bit of heart and soul.) Give a little bit of love to grow. Give a little bit of heart and soul, (Give a little bit of heart and soul.) And don't you make me beg for love. (Must I beg you) Give a sign 'cos' I need to know. A little bit of heart and soul.
Somehow I lost my way, Looking to see something in your eyes. But love will never compromise. Now this is the politics of life, yeah!
Give a little bit of heart and soul. (Give a little bit of heart and soul) Give a little bit of love to grow. Give a little bit of heart and soul, (Give a little bit of heart and soul) And don't you make me beg for love. (Must I beg you?) Give a sign I need to know. A little bit, a little bit. Give a little bit of heart and soul. (Give a little bit of heart and soul) Give a little bit of love to grow. Give a little bit of heart and soul, (Give a little bit of heart and soul) And don't you make me beg for love. (Must I beg you?) Give a sign I need to know. A little bit, a little bit.
Just wanted to circulate a little poetry throughout the wonder of the Universe this afternoon.
April makes me think of Seans, yeah plural. One died the eleventh and one's birthday should've been the twentieth. Sad fates met far too soon for such kind people.
On gorgeous Spring days, I do wish I could show them how beautiful the world and life truly is, but alas, I missed my chance at that. The sky is so blue it makes me want to cry for lack of words to describe its beauty. The palm trees rustle for me in the wind and mimic the sound of waves crashing on a sandy shore. I breathe easily, lightly. Smiles come readily to my lips and eyes. I always hope that as I age, I develop those great laugh lines that testify to the world that life has been lived well and thoroughly enjoyed.
Tears come easily also, but not in the mad rush of emptiness; just a fallen drop or two bringing the bittersweet knowledge that life is to be treasured not endured. Had I only spread those words to the world sooner... who knows?
I do believe with conviction that things happen as they should; hard as that can be to stomach in situations like these. For whatever purpose, sometimes the good truly do die young and for what means? I doubt I will ever know.
If nothing else, I can say what they will miss, makes me appreciate what I still get to experience. The world is open to me. I get to try and drink every wine, dance every song and taste every flavor out there.
And maybe if I do it with enough zeal while keeping them in my heart, their spirits will get to do the things they didn't.
Now the poetry, a little Sat afternoon Buk:
1. For Jane
225 days under grass and you know more than I. they have long taken your blood, you are a dry stick in a basket. is this how it works? in this room the hours of love still make shadows.
when you left you took almost everything. I kneel in the nights before tigers that will not let me be.
what you were will not happen again. the tigers have found me and I do not care.
2. Cause and Effect
the best often die by their own hand just to get away, and those left behind can never quite understand why anybody would ever want to get away from them
Now remember:
Unbeing dead isn't being alive. ~e.e. cummings
So, live and let my message to the world today be, please don't kill yourself because once you do, you are dead and that sucks for everybody. :)
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." ~Elwyn Brooks White
I love my apartment way too much. It's a gorgeous day and I really should go to the beach, but with the french doors open, I can see the water and feel the breeze without driving thirty minutes. It's like being at the beach without going anywhere. Ha ha, I should download some ocean sounds, that would complete the experience. I can even get tanned inside my apartment because my futon is in the sun for most of the early afternoon.
This semester is killing me. I am just sick to death of being behind and not really wanting to catch up. It's hard for me to get amped up about things that appear as abstract as general chemistry. It's never going to be important in my life or research, so how do I get excited to study for this grade determining exam next Friday?
Oh well, there is only three weeks left. Now, it's getting down to the wire. There will be many tests, trial and tribulations, but come May 15, you will find me in New Orleans, sippin' on a 32 oz daiquiri in the French quarter. Hells yeah. ;)
It is the most gorgeous day outside, but I am suffering from severe, post-test laziness. I wanna take my new surf board out for a spin or go running with my doggies, but here I sit, on the couch, blinds drawn... complete buminess.
I also have two research papers to finish by Sunday and a moderately dirty, post test apartment to clean, but...
nope, still not doing anything. Too lazy.
I guess this is the aftermath from only sleeping two hours Thursday night because of last minute cramming.
My internet has been going off and on ever since I first set it up in August of last year. This was no big deal because my neighbor had wireless which worked in my apartment most of the time and that was good enough for me. And then said neighbor moved... sad day indeed.
I woke up from a sound sleep about thirty minutes ago and I don't know why. I have always felt slightly less than comfortable here at my dad's house. I just feel like there are restless spirits or sociopaths roaming the neighborhood.
It is crazy windy outside which lends itself to my "something is brewing" suspicions because things every where are creaking and scraping. The wind here does not yield the same delicious magic as it does in Corpus. Things here aren't accustomed to it and everything sounds horror movie-esque.
As if crazy insomnia weren't enough- it is coupled with crazy bad thoughts. Lovely.
Nighty night...
or not.
Ah, there goes the squeaky front door again... Nice - looks like I am not sleeping.
The wind picked up this evening; it's so alive here. It whips around you as if to say, "Come on! Let's go! I am carrying life! Catch me!"
It makes me want to do pirouettes on my balcony- too bad I don't actually have one.
The artist, sometimes known as Prince, sings to me this evening- I always wonder, what seven will fall? and why? Hopefully, I am not one of them! Maybe I am one of the "young so educated they never grow old"? ;)
A star twinkles and winks at me- I blow a kiss back at the Universe and offer a humble, "Thank you."
I realize, I don't know the words to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" any longer. Ah, there goes youth right out the french doors and into the wind. I can, however, recite The Lorax and The Walrus and the Carpenter, and surely that counts for something, somewhere.
It's been an odd week. Things have been out of line in my universe... My sister bore a child whom I have yet to meet, but am excited to know soon. And I was happy, but sick.
I feel so at peace here, with the wind. It's like bad things can't linger because they just get blown away. This gives me hope as Spring approaches. Spring has been a rough time of year for me for a long time now- it reminds me of death.
I like how palm trees bend with the wind, it just brushes off their backs and there they stand so straight- never bending in the garish ways of the more rigid oak. I want to be a palm tree- stand tall in the wind of life and let it all just float away...
Why does it always happen that things get procrastinated until they just can't be pushed back any longer?
It is five... in the morning and, nope, I am not just waking up to study- I am still up studying!
I am officially insane! I had all last weekend and all week to study- hell, I had all last week too! But, no, here I am - getting my learn on when I should be fast asleep in my heavenly bed. I had to go to the beach, have a party and go on long bike rides.
Well, put in that perspective, it's worth it! I just hope I can pull off A's on the two tests I have tomorrow. The first tests in a class always make me nervous because you don't really know what to expect.
Well, it's five and my first Organic Chemistry test is a mere six hours away! **Don't Panic!** Back to the books-
It always is so exciting to me when I rediscover a part of myself that has been lost in the shuffle. Oh New Orleans, ah.... The magical dreamland of my younger days. I knew it before I even arrived. What is it about that mystical place which makes my soul feel so at ease?
It could be the amazing food everywhere, the buildings all so wrought with stories of the past, the way alcohol is so weaved into life there, the remnants of gentile Southern life, or maybe the way my soul eases into a groove whenever she's on my mind.
Ah, New Orleans. I always imagined I would end up there, sooner or later. I have to admit, ever since the aftermath of Katrina, I have been scared. Tales of martial law, rampant crime and a lack of basic sanitation services turned my mouth sour whenever she crossed my mind. The first time I was back post-Katrina, I could barely stomach the heartache I knew was all encompassing. I didn't want to be a voyeur into the absolute misery all around.
I can't take that so much went wrong there and still does. I have worried intensely about my sister who lives there. I have agonized that the government seems to have forgotten the entire Gulf coast. I have wished I could be a part of the reconstruction, part of the healing.
A symbol for New Orleans has always been the comedy and tragedy masks- and I think it is a great representation of the people I have known there. Suffer more than most could take and yet, laugh, really laugh, louder. Really live and experience all extremes this life has to offer.
I contemplate my strange, at times consuming, fascination for New Orleans today while red beans simmer on the stove. The smell wafts out my french doors into the courtyard and distracts my neighbors. Louis Armstrong's song creates magic in the air. I have a giant cooler of hurricanes, a bottle of Bourbon and am expecting many laughs to come later in the evening. Maybe we can get there tonight, maybe if we try hard enough, we can have some of my fair lady here tonight- if only in passing.
New Orleans has been described as a beautiful woman, missing an eye and a leg, with a drinking problem, who will put you right at ease, pour you a drink and steal your wallet. Tonight, we celebrate the idealist version and in time, I will make my peace with the real one and there you will find me, in that sacred place where my soul feels so inspired.
There I will, one day, allow that itching in my soul to be soothed.
I am rendered ineffective today by last night, which I have affectionately dubbed as "Margarita Madness". So, I checked my email, myspace, read some blogs... then when I ran out of things to do that didn't require usage of my booze soaked brain- I googled myself. I know, you are probably thinking, "Again? What is wrong with this ego-maniacal, freak show?" But, I had a reason. You see I wanted to see if the lab that I started doing research in would appear on a search for me.
I didn't get to check if it did or not because the first thing that came up on google was the sweetest thing anyone has probably ever written or thought about me; it was a "friendster" comment from my big sister many years ago.
It read:
"Someday Rachel is going to be famous. It's not just her classic good looks, or her quick wit. It is something intangible, and untouchable. You never know what Rachel will try next. Sometimes timid, sometimes bold. She is an original, an amazing being with a passion for life. She's has always been more stylish than her older siblings, but her fashion sense is just the outer edge. Rachel is still experimenting with life. There are so many things she wants to try, and so many options in her future. She has both intelligence and beauty. Rachel is still looking for her way but someday she will stumble onto her path and the world will take notice."
*wipe away a tear*
My sister is so wonderful and I love her so much. She is about 14 days from having her first baby, the soon to be born, Mr. Connor Tipps and I am so happy for her and the happy life that she has made for herself. She is amazingly creative and caring. I couldn't ask for a better sister- except, for my other two sisters, of course, no playing favorites here!
Some times I can't understand how I got so lucky in life. It is truly a wonderful world!
I dare to you watch Louis sing it below and not tear up!
I didn't eat that much, honestly, but what I ate was so rich that I feel gluttonous and enormous. Ugh.
It started on Saturday morning when I went to get Vietnamese food with my friend. "Ooohhh..." ,she drooled, "look next door there is a brownie shop! Let's get one after lunch if we aren't too full!" I agreed and then we ate our delicious lunch of spicy, herb-y soup.
We talked and we ate from the gigantic bowls of beef, sprouts, and noodles until we had no more gossip to share and full bellies. The brownies never happened.
But, they stuck in my head. For three days I have been obsessing over wanting brownies.
So, tonight I tried to make brownies. I didn't have a mix or all the ingredients to make them form scratch, so I tried to convert a box of white cake mix into a brownie like substance. It worked, maybe a little too well, and I munched on a few pseudo brownies.
I swear that I ate a perfectly reasonable amount, but I feel like a glutton. My belly feels soooo full!!! Ugh again-
At least now the obsessing over brownies has passed. After I weighed myself, the leftovers found themselves discarded into the trash and I am pretty sure that I never want to see another baked good again. :(
For obvious reasons (see below), as well as the need to shrink the size of my booty I have been trying to be less car dependent ever since I moved to Corpus. Before I moved, my friends gave me the most amazing bicycle as a going away present. It is a light blue cruiser and just sitting on the seat makes me smile. It is not built for speed, but rather for pleasure and I adore it! I tried to ride it to school last semester, but it never really worked out. It was hot, really hot. In fact, I did ride it to school the first day, in August, and I looked like I had just completed a marathon: shirt drenched in sweat so badly that I went into the book store and bought a new one! I figured I would ride more once it cooled off a little...
Then by mid-semester, I was so frazzled and overwhelmed that the whole thing kinda got shelved. I bought a handlebar basket a few months ago, but I hadn't really tried to carry anything in it... until today.
I should let you know that Winter has finally arrived in my tropical paradise as of Monday morning and it is less than beautiful outside. In fact, it's wet, windy and far too chilly for my sun loving taste. However, I was not to be deterred; I had errands to run and I was using the bike, rain or shine.
Well, rain it was but, I headed out destined for the bank and the grocery store. It's cold, yes, and wet, but I am a woman on a mission. After a minute or so, it's not too bad, quite nice actually, and I make it to the bank. I deposit some ridiculously small checks from my waitressing days that I received in the mail yesterday and headed to the grocery store for a few essentials.
I am riding through the neighborhood with the Juno soundtrack on my I-pod... and hmm... is it my imagination or am I suddenly getting wet... really, really wet. Sky check, ah, yes, more rain. Hard, biting, cold rain. Needles in the face rain. I seek shelter under a large, oak tree in someone's side yard and I wait for the rain to pass.
It doesn't though, no it does not pass, but rather, it intensifies, a lot. Gears turn in my brain and I ponder the situation... Oh, yes, the park has a covered table and it is only three blocks away. So, I ride that way. Turn off the street and into my favorite park. I ride through the grass, splashing mud all over myself and then into the safety of the covered picnic area.
Whooh! Good thinking. I sit cross-legged on top of the concrete table and relax.
Wow, I think, this is really quite enjoyable. What an adventure! Now once the rain stops, I will ride over to buy some groceries and head back home. I turn off my I-pod, lay back and listen to the rain pounding on the metal roof.
But, it is really quite chilly outside and without the body heat generated by riding, I start to feel a bit frigid after about fifteen minutes. I curl my legs up into my chest and pull my hoodie up over my head. Teeth start to chatter.
Oh dear, this is a quite the pickle. Home is two minutes away, I could race home and go buy groceries with my car, but I am not feeling too big on being defeated by a little uninvited rain shower.
Ok, I am really cold now, I must do something because the rain is apparently here to stay. I think again...
Ok if I cut across the park I can be inside of the grocery store in ten minutes at most. I hop back on my bike and cruise across the grass, puddles splashing on the way. The road to the store is not the best one, speed bumps, no side walk and blind turns; people look as me as though I was a lunatic, but I make it there and I feel like a champ!
I figure that my bike basket is about the size of a hand held, grocery basket, so I grab one and make my purchases, smiling all the way from produce to dairy. Then I go to load up...
Uh oh. I messed up. I only had one hand held basket, yes, but it was not level. I filled it above the line and I have too much to carry! With some maneuvering, I figure out how to get everything I bought either on my person, in the basket, or tied to the handle bars and I head, very wobbly out of the parking lot.
I look like a crazy bad lady. I am really unbalanced and therefore I look like I had a few glasses of whiskey before I hit the road. I have grocery bags tied to my handles and a bundle on celery nestled on top of everything as though it were headed home to take its place in a giant bloody Mary for this wino.
The Universe has blessed me with a cessation of rain for the time being and I am more than thankful because I am so off balance that I am basically a disaster waiting to happen! Wobble, wobble, wobble, down the street I go. I go back down the twisty turny street with no sidewalk, laughing, almost manically, all the way. Across Ocean Drive and I am home! Ha ha! Success! I kicked that bike rides butt!
For the rest of the afternoon, I have to deal with what feels like a mild case of hypothermia, but I feel like a champ! I will be headed back tomorrow because I forgot to buy more mayo; the kind made with canola oil, of course!
Ha ha, victory is sweet! Now, where did that celery end up? I think my frost bitten toes could use a drink after all...
On the way home from Austin after the holidays, I got breakfast tacos at Whatabuger and they were awesome! Fluffy eggs, crispy bacon- just perfect really! I was so pleased.
I had a lot of unloading to do when I got home, so I left the bag in the car. I also thought it was empty and wouldn't be a big deal. I later went grocery shopping that afternoon because I hadn't been home in two weeks in and I also needed to make dog food.
The next time I got in my car was two days later and it smelled kinda bad. I thought it was the forgotten Whataburger bag and so I disposed of it and thought nothing more of the problem.
The next time time I tried to get in my car was this morning; it had been sitting directly in the sun for four days. I was on my way to go get tacos again. I got in and sat down and... it smelled bad.
I mean really bad.
I mean, seriously, "is there a dead animal in here?" bad. Hmmm... look around. No, no dead animals that I can see, no corpses either.
Something under my seat caught my eye- but no, it couldn't be...
It looked like a misshapen tube of ground turkey... like what i make my dog food out of... like what I had bought six days earlier at the grocery store and apparently not noticed as it slipped out of the grocery bag and under my car seat!
Oh, ew. Really, really ew. Like maybe the most disgusting thing ever!
By misshapen, I mean it was a tube of ground meat and now is a giant, scary bubble, balloon like bomb of nastiness just waiting to explode. I was actually quite scared to even touch it for fear of mass contamination.
I had to step away from the car to collect my self and avoid throwing up. How do I remove this ticking time bomb? Will it rupture when I touch it? Thoughts of rancid ground turkey splattering everywhere send me into a cussing fury. What do I do? How did this happen? Why! Why now when I am starving and desperately need tacos!
I look around in vain for a man to help me. No, no knights in shinning armor in the parking lot- no, just me. Damn! Oh god, I so do not want to touch this crazy stink bomb. What do I do???
I like to be prepared and am socially responsible, so I have a stash of doggie poop bags in my car for emergencies. I think this qualifies. I gingerly, drape one bag over the distorted tube of funk and with my pointer finger I tap at the tube.
It's what a botanist would call turgid, but unfortunately this is not a well hydrated plant cell with a rigid cell wall to keep it from bursting, this is rotting, stinking meat in a thin plastic wrapper that is stretched to its limit. It's holding on for dear life. The words on the package are comically stretched. Part of me wants to go get my camera, but the other part says, no we are the bomb squad and this situation needs to be diffused. We are currently "CODE RED"! There is no time to waste!
I eventually very carefully removed it by wrapping like four dog poop bags around it and tying them up. I held my breath as I did this, not only out of necessity, but out of fear. I am pretty sure this thing could have exploded and that would have been followed by my vomiting, if not also contracting the Bubonic Plague and having to pay a hoodlum to "steal" my car and burn it to kill the eternal smell!
Once the threat has been removed, the car's smell is still unbearable. Imagine the stinkiest dumpster ever. Now imagine trying to sit inside in to run about town.
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." - Mark Twain
he he... ;) I have always done this at work.
"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something." -Wilson Mizner
I am trying hard to be a better listener and to remember to inquire more into my friends thoughts and dreams. I am a babbler; I say whatever comes into my head without filtering for content or interestingness.
I don't mean to tell you my every thought, but I just get so excited sometimes, like a puppy. I don't mean to not give you time to talk about your thoughts, forgive me. Forgive me and cut me off because I really do care more about what you have to say than my blah blah blahs.... :)
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