Tired.

Why have I been so freakin' tired the last two weeks?

I guess ACL, school, work and life have just sucked the life out of me. I really thought that sans alcohol I would feel a little boost of energy, but I guess not. It has been a week and a day, I think, with NO ALCOHOL!

Not really a big deal, but isn't always harder to do something when you are consciously thinking about not doing it? It is just like when I am waiting tables and I tell the person, "Don't touch the plate, it is really hot." What is the first thing every single person does? You know what they do; they immediately touch the hot plate which then burns their hand because it was hot... like I told them it was. Yeah, you may laugh, but you know you would do it also! ; )

At work tonight, it was crazy, it always is; I basically work in a madhouse. So, it was nuts and I was dreaming of a getting off and enjoying few glasses of J. Lohr Cabernet (basically my favorite indulgence in the world) and a piece of our chocolate eruption cake (which is a rich, half cake- half mousse, all chocolate dream...) but, I abstained because I am a good girl. And, also held accountable by my blog.

I did, however, sneak a broken piece of cheesecake because I was starving and now I feel kinda guilty. Oh well, what is the point of living if you don't eat some cheesecake now and then?

On that note, I have probably lost about fifteen pounds of fat and gained a little over five pounds in muscle since I moved here, which I think is pretty awesome! My former job involved being anchored to a desk and I made enough money to eat whatever I wanted; so I did and too much also! Now, I run around on a crazy boat carrying trays of food and am too poor to eat anything but beans and rice! I can almost wear my "skinny" clothes again, and maybe soon I could even try to wear them in public. Who knows? But, I still have a ways to go. I am trying to become a regular at this new place I discovered on campus; it is called the rec. and they have machines where you can do this crazy thing called "exercise"... Yeah, I think that discovery may help me get back into better shape also! ; )

I have had this uneasy feeling of stirring in my soul the last few days, I feel like something is brewing in the Universe and I don't know what it is yet. Things are about to change... planets are aligning, stars are crossing.... I can just feel it. But, all I can do for now is wait in anticipation... and wonder what is gonna go down?

*sigh* I am physically exhausted, but my brain is wired. I hope I can wake up early and get some of my everyday, hum-drum errands taken care of before I have class.

Now, if only I could figure out why I have been so tired...

My lil' sis.

The sky here is too big sometimes!

















My lil' munchkin and me with the Corpus skyline. July 5, 2005.

More ACL pics!

Me and my darling, Brently; mid proposal.


Being silly and having waaay to much free time at the festival.

My mantra these days.

"You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

How amazing is that phrase? I repeat it to myself; over and over. It has developed a song-like rhythm in my head.

"You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

Looking for meaning in the randomness of life can be maddening. You start thinking about the point of living and you can go crazy! Why do anything when you could die- anywhere, at any time, for who knows what reason.

It makes you question everything: why go to school, why pay taxes, why not have another truffle or a few glasses of wine?

On that note: I am still succeeding in abstaining from alcohol. It has been over 24 hours now. I even went to a restaurant where they offered me a free glass of wine- and I turned it down!!!!

OK, now anyone who knows me knows there is no way I would ever in a million years turn down a free glass of wine. So here is what really happened:

The waiter told my friend that because they didn't have a liquor license they were pouring free glasses of wine with the meal; hmm.... I like the sound of that!

But they only had white zinfandel and chardonnay- yuck.

My two least favorite wines. I won't even drink them... usually.

Regardless of that fact- I order a Chardonnay- the lesser of the two evils.

Then when the waiter walks away, my brain clicks on and .... I remember- oh yeah, that whole abstinence-teetolling plan.

Oops....

However, the waiter returns with no glass of chardonnay because they "ran out". He offered me a glass of Texas White which I wisely refused and then I thanked the Universe for its infinite wisdom in showing me the way once again.

I have had many of these moments of divine intervention since I moved to Corpus and even throughout my planning stages. Remember, I was supposed to move to Galveston and then changed my mind at T minus seven days!

I just knew in my gut what was the right choice and went with it, regardless of reason or people thinking I was nuts for changing my mind at the last minute like that.

That is the way life goes; or mine anyway. I stumble along and take what comes at me and try to interpret what my place in the grand scheme of things may be... eventually.

"You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

ACL Fest Pics

Just a few to start with:

Still tired-

-and hungover, to boot.

These circumstances have prompted me to make the decision to abstain from alcohol for the next thirty days and go on a fitness binge.

So, no drinking until about October 20.

At all.

I will document my success with this project here to help me not "forget" that I am teetotalling (did I make that word up?).

Now, this tired, hungover teetotaller must learn Chemistry and finish a Biology lab!

Here goes nothing..

Tired

Barely home from Austin- and too tired to write anything; but felt the need to post that I survived ACL fest.

And made it back to my chemistry lab with maybe 2 minutes to spare before my hardass teacher locked the door!

Follow up from last night.

No one needs two appetizer platters from Trudy's; or probably anywhere.

Ever.

Another good idea:
Trudy's chicken flaquities covered in queso with ranch dressing drizzled on top and just a dab of salsa plopped on top of that. So good!

But, I think I may have gained five pounds last night from Mexican martinis and appetizer platters! Nachos, queso, chicken flaquities and fried stuffed jalepenos. We killed the first one, but the second went almost completely to waste.

Oh well, you know what they say about hind sight.

Now- we are going couch hunting for Ms. Rachel (not me) at IKEA and to the outlet mall for retail therapy. Then I have lunch planned with all my former coworkers at a Japenese steakhouse! If I can work up an appetitie...

Visiting austin

Just got into town. My old roommate is showering and we are gonna go get beers and appetizers somewhere. Being here makes me miss my friends a lot. I have been so busy in Corpus that I really haven't had time to miss all the wonderful people I left behind.

I miss having an awesome girl roomie who I can gossip with and share pink drinks before a well deserved night on the town.

Sometimes you don't really know what you have until it's gone...

But, I do love living in Corpus and there are always reasons to make the three hour drive back to my hometown!

Now-
it is time to primp and gossip!

E-Z and lazy "Sangria" recipie:

Red wine- tonight, I used Concho y Toro Frontera Cab/Merlot blend
V-8 Fusion Pomegranate Blueberrry Juice

vitamins and liquor together = awesome!

Pour half and half over ice in large wine glass.

Tasty...

Even my mom approved and drank two glasses!
;)

More pics of my pier.

One last old bad poem!

(my dr. suess impersonation)

I am trying hard to be the person I am.
There is more to life than this place where I stand.
and dead end jobs and cars that don't go...
Life should be bigger it can always grow!

Other countries, new people but, never forget old friends.
Good wine, delicious food and happiness in the end.
Swim all the oceans
Jump out of a plane
Live with my heart
Hope people will think I'm insane.

Love intensely. Forgive easily and never hold a grudge.
Listen to others when they speak.
Dance with strangers cheek to cheek.

Make love in the rain, any chance that I get.
Let go of the pain; it doesn't mean I have to forget.

Live for the moment-
do it all for the sake of having done it all...
Just jump in without looking-
sometimes we all need a good fall.

Break a few bones.
Discover new bars,
Fall madly in love!
And hopefully,
acquire a few interesting scars...

Stay up all night-
if the chance arises.
Be open to suggestions,
life can pack some surprises!

Never drink the same beer in the same bar night after night.
LIVE, LIVE, LIVE, LIVE,
with all of your might!!!!!!

Be who you want-
stay true to the soul-
Live for the moment...
and let the Universe fill in all those sad, empty holes.

this is where i live.

it is ok to be a little jealous.

What I want from the universe.

So many people want money and power; and I say this is a crappy thing. It makes me sick and depressed. People, and I mean people in positions of power, will actually kill or command the deaths of thousands; just for this sacred money and/or power; those dirty mother f'ers.

So then, what do I want? Am I wrongly self righteous ?

Let 's examine...

I want:

-to live near a beach and an ocean. the less polluted the better. also the more affordable the better.

-my doggies to be healthy and happy. to provide them with the life I promised them when i adopted them.

-to become more educated. life is a quest for knowledge and the older I get, the more I should realize how little I truly know

-to be in perfect shape. I am no saint; I am vain as hell.

-to radiate happiness. I wish to live in a way that may inspire others to allow themselves to accept happiness.

-to make a difference in the world. Maybe I can help preserve our poor natural resources by studying environmental science. I sure hope so!!!

-I really wanna learn to play the blues and sang them!!!

hmm... and a nice bottle of wine from time to time wouldn't hurt!

Things to ponder.

Things to ponder this evening:

why palmetto bugs (aka giant nasty roaches) only appear in my apartment when it is most inconvenient?

why having a cocktail after waiting tables all night is so nice?

why sometime I just really want to smoke a cigarette when it is such a disgusting, smelly, carcinogenic activity?

why a group of people can have a perfectly lovely evening dining at an establishment and leave their server, a struggling student, who in no way wronged them a five dollar tip on a $150 tab?

why my doggies are so lovable?

why blueberries make such a good daiquiri when blended with vodka?

why most people can't just be happy and enjoy the world, but will instead spend their lives hurting other people for their own financial gain?

why isn't every single person on this planet more concerned with our environment?

how anyone can go through with suicide when "tomorrow is always another day"? (i quote, the lovely, miss scarlet here)

how can there be hope for the future?

will i ever wear a size two again, comfortably?

really, why would anyone waste their life pursuing power and money when happiness and daiquiris exist?

hmmm......

My sappiest poem ever!!!

The world spins
it always wins.
No reason to fight
just give in to your life.

Every moment- so precious.
Each day- a new chance.

Savor the flavors
indulge in a dance.

Love those who care
forget those who won't.
Live your life on the edge.
Breathe in the "do"s- exhale the "don't"s

Take a minute for you
or an hour
a whole day!
Forget all your troubles-
let time just whittle away!

Embrace something you love
and then let it go
You will always have the memory
and inside you will always know
that things change, time passes...
and suddenly YOU'RE OLD
Forget the hurt and all your pain
Don't let you life make you grow cold.

Do it yourself waxing...

Hmm... bad idea? Probably.

Yep, it was.

But, I think the skin will grow back.

My bad poetry knows no limits...

I can't help it; I write the sillliest poems, and I cannot stop! This has been a life long affliction; maybe I should find a support group...

This follows up my last post- I wrote this one of my first nights here.

"Gulf Coast Night"

Another Gulf coast, summer night,

The warm wind blows into my soul,

I take my time and I feel alright,

As the world goes on- and out of control.

I don’t know where I’m going-

And I don’t really care.

I’ve got all I’ve ever wanted- right here.

Finally, gave up on life- in the city

Too much gone wrong- too much nitty gritty.

I’ve got two paychecks in the bank

And lots of time to sit and think

I got my dogs at my side

I got my self and my new beach ride

It’s a baby blue cruiser bike and I ride her along the bay

She is so pretty, little kids point at us and we savor the day.

And we don’t know where we’re going-

And we don’t really care.

We’ve got all we ever wanted- right here.

People here, they don’t know what they got

Taken for granted with no second thought

Rush along, busy, busy, busy…

Take some time and love the city.

It’s not too big

And there’s the charm

No traffic jams

No car alarms

Waking you up at four AM

Go to bed and get up again…

Thoughts on Corpus Christi

View out of my french doors.

Written during one of first weeks here:

Thoughts on Corpus Christi:

I am happy here.

People drive fast- which I wouldn’t have expected because it seems like a laid back beach town. However, I have noticed that people appear to go at least ten miles over the posted speed limit and are super frustrated when I don’t.

Most people who live here don’t like it here; they act like they live in a shit town. This may be where it gets its reputation for being a shit town from. People always react the same way, “Why would you move here- especially from Austin?” I guess the grass is always greener…

The wind feels alive here. Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel I need to live in a coastal area- wind. It blows and caresses me on calm days. It brings a storm in without a moments notice. It has energy and life. It breathes into my soul. It carries the timeless song of the ocean to me. It revives me.

silly girl.

I have pretty nice fingernails.

They grow really long and I always feel that they help to feminize my large, muscular and, well, scarred hands.

I really like my hands and enjoy this contrast of capable masculinity with dainty femininity.

My nails have been really long lately and I have been loving the fact that I wasn't breaking them at work...

So,

How is it possible that I have been waiting tables for two months now; and I finally break a nail- opening a package of notebook paper for school?

Oh, the cruel irony!

:)

work... bleh.

I cannot believe I am awake.

I survived 14 hours in restaurant hell and I should be getting my well earned beauty sleep, but my mind won't shut off.

I am currently attempting a wine based solution to the problem; enhanced with melatonin. Hopefully, we will see results soon.

It is so bizarre to work so hard for money. Compared to what I used to do to make money- serving people food is a lot of freakin' work!!! I do enjoy it though. Honestly, I would rather be where I am now; and waiting tables than banking at a desk. The computer was sucking the life outta me- I swear. I feel much more alive these days.

I am so happy for the universe guiding me to where I belong.

Now if only I could sleep...